Stop Craving Attention

We Don’t Want To Be Rejected

I’ve been trying to figure out why people are so screwed up and you know what I came up with? Because we’re starved for attention or approval. You can take all your theories about narcissism, psychopathy and sociopathy and boil it down to that.

Humanity is seeking approval because none of us have ever gotten respect or recognition for being who we are deep down. No-one cares about your feelings or ideas. They are so wrapped up in themselves and their issues.

If you want people to take an interest in you, there’s always conditions attached. If you have a good job, you may be accepted by your parents, but if you underachieve they may reject you. Everyone lives in fear of being rejected.

Not only by your parents, but by teachers, friends, and business associates, whether they are dead or alive the criticisms that you internalized from them are still wreaking havoc in your thoughts. Their criticism still in your head. You lost your job in disgrace or flunked out in college and you may still feel like a loser fifty years later.

But the damage is not only done to those who appear to have not lived up to society’s expectations. They may look like abysmal failures, but it has also been done to the high achievers in business and what we term the higher professions such as doctors, priests, etc. No-one is immune. All seeking approval. Just think about this.

Bragging Means You’re Insecure

It can be so off putting when you hear people bragging about how much money they make, but they’re not really proud of it. They are only trying to prove something to you so that you accept them. No matter how high up or low in society people are, people are crying to be recognized.

You Don’t Need Stuff To Make People Like You

You think a degree is going to make you happy. Once you get it, you forget about how much of an achievement it was. People start asking you: “where are you going to get your masters degree? A B.A. isn’t enough.” So the professional student is born. If the student doesn’t stay in school for twenty more years, he or she ends up embittered that they didn’t go as far as they dreamed that they wanted to.

You see that played out in the business world. Look at all the top business leaders. Eighty or ninety years old, still grubbing up money and attaining as much power as they can. Why? Because as I said earlier, they are still trying to prove themselves. Every extra billion they get or every politician they buy to get power, isn’t enough. They don’t understand that they have low self esteem. They don’t see why they build a world of money armor around them. They’re just terrified of letting someone down. Probably a long gone parent.

If they valued themselves, they would put down all the trappings and go fishing or learn something new. They have enough to live comfortably for the rest of their lives. No need to impress.

But they feel inadequate, they feel like failures. That’s the real reason. Why else would you stay bound up in the rat race. One billion or a hundred billion more won’t make up for your lack of personal power and happiness.

These poor creatures keep clawing away to get bigger houses and bank accounts. But it happens at all levels of society, rich or poor. Neighbors and friends buying new cars or bragging about their salaries. If they don’t have enough they feel like failures, because a materialistic society reminds them of their shortcomings every day. Instead of being grateful, they compare themselves to others.

Am I Good Enough For You?

To understand what I’m saying, drop your feelings of jealousy for a moment when people tell you or show you how wonderful they are. Look at our motivations for the things that we do. Why do you put yourself out there? When you’re a painter, you have to go around showing everyone your work. If you have a cat, you have to show everyone pictures of your cat. Play a guitar you have to search for an audience. We say: please listen to me. Please see what I’m doing. I’m desperate for attention. A social media society. All of us craving to be seen.

By doing this blog, I am no different than everyone else. But I’m not trying to beat us up, I’m just sharing my insight because it may help you understand the reason that we don’t accept ourselves and how to break this behavior pattern.

Let’s Start Talking and Listening To Each Other

There’s lots of books out there telling us who’s fault it is. But that’s not what I’m trying to say. I think the overall solution is to take time to listen to other people when they talk about their interests. They may chatter incessantly because they finally found someone who cares about them. Maybe you can learn some patience and not roll your eyes. Just realize you are doing a huge thing for them. They’ve been starved for attention. If enough people listen to each other and ourselves without being hypercritical, we won’t have such a need to prove ourselves.

We shouldn’t be censoring ourselves either. We should be sharing our ideas with others and not feel stupid about it. If someone disagrees, we don’t have to fight them or clam up. Just agree to disagree. But not attack or ignore each other.

Withholding attention is one of the cruelest things you can to do to a person. Usually people who do this are insensitive because they learned it from the people in their lives, how not to care. Parents for example who punish their kids by emotional rejection are creating future monsters who are incapable of having compassion for themselves or others. They’ll act out as negatively as their elders.

Look what happens when you ignore a cat. They will knock things off the table and scratch things. But it you get out of your head and pick her up and give her some attention, she calms down and feels that you care about her.

When You Don’t Like Me, I’ll Make You Like Me

Most social movements are formed by people who don’t feel accepted. Instead of saying, “Oh well, they don’t like me, who cares”, they get angry because they have low self esteem. They feel judged. They blame others for not accepting them and they go after those who they perceive as being their enemies. In actual fact most people may not like what the those in the movement do, but they don’t hate them. They just want to live their own lives and not be forced to like what they don’t like. If people weren’t so desperate to be noticed, there really wouldn’t be an issue.

So many people who are emotionally damaged love to make people feel bad. They figure if they’re miserable, everyone else should be too. And sometimes people in positions of power like having their underlings compete for their attention. It gives them a feeling of importance that others live in fear and are explaining and justifying, but it’s still not satisfactory because they know deep down people don’t want to be near them, but they are forced to be. Their desire for domination is just displaying that they are broken inside. They’re angry that people reject them.

Align With The Universe, Be The Real You

If they had a healthy perspective and liked and accepted themselves, they wouldn’t be addicted to fame, power or wealth. They would have good will and wouldn’t inflict pain on others. They would be expressing their true nature as actual human beings and not some sort of sinister cartoon characters. They would finally accept themselves for who they are, not for the role they play.

I remember a story about a Taoist Sage who was living in a hut with a broken jar for a window. An important minister comes to visit him and questions why he lives in poverty. And the Sage says something like “I may be poor, but I’m not sick.” Implying that the minister is in worse condition because he is trapped by his rank.

Which leads me to the next point: you need to understand who you are and what you want to do and then just go for it. Don’t worry if you don’t get the accolades bestowed upon you from outside. If you like leisure more than work, enjoy spending time with friends, and like to ski, find a way to do all of that. Balance your work with your leisure. If you are being steered into a career like customer service when you hate dealing with clients, but instead enjoy fixing things, go into maintenance. Don’t let other people’s judgments affect your decisions. You don’t need they’re approval.

Growing Up And Accepting Yourself

Seeking approval from others is not going to suddenly stop even if you are aware of all this. It’s been ingrained in you from since when you were a baby. When you learned how to walk, your parents praised you and you felt pretty good about it. When you got that gold star at school, you felt like you were on top of the world.

But I think a healthy way to do this would be to question why you as an adult, all grown up now, need attention from your parents or anyone else for that matter. You’re at the point where you consider other peoples input, but you don’t give them the power to direct your life.

Think about a musician. He picks up his guitar. Practices in his home for hours to improve his skill. Then he goes to the concert and plays in front of the audience. While he is cognizant of the fact that people came to hear him play and he enjoys sharing his talent, he doesn’t make this the reason why he plays guitar. He plays because he loves to play guitar. And he doesn’t play for the money. These are just extra things and he’s grateful that he can make a living and enjoy his craft, doing something he loves to do. But the attention is like a lit candle. He holds it, but the flame doesn’t burn him. He doesn’t crave the fame.

What I’m saying is don’t beg people for adulation. You’ll never get respect because you’ll look like a desperate, pathetic person who is asking people to give you a pat on the head.

Focus on pursuing your own interests and don’t trade other peoples judgments for your happiness.